Death or Glory: The Battle of the Mentoring Olympics


Annie Fingersh, Co-Editor in Chief

Slider image by Cody Welton.

The biggest feud to ever grace the fluorescently-lit yellow hallways of HBHA was the 2021 battle of the mentoring olympics. Every spring the five mentoring groups participate in this most anticipated event, but this year, the die-hard fans in the community were blessed with a fall edition as well.

In a battle of wits and physical prowess, both qualities not consistently found at HBHA, the five feuding groups competed against one another in high stakes games like cup stacking, three legged relays, and balloon catch. Tensions (and temperatures) ran high in the first game as all the teams got hyped-up and sweaty, pushing themselves like never before in the most dangerous game of them all: running with a golf ball under your chin! While nothing can beat the thrill of that relay, box stacking and running while dizzy come at a pretty close second.

The HBHA mentoring olympics demands a student’s utmost athletic ability. Image by Cody Welton.

The previous champions for several years running, Cody’s Toesies, were usurped this year by the Zolympic Flacksletes, usually the losers of the bunch. Senior Madi Bell of the Flacksletes credits their win to Baby Talia, their mascot, who she claims is their “lord and savior, thanks to her magical feminist powers.” 

Bell also substantiates a popular claim in the mentoring olympics, the cheating accusation of the infamously dishonest Welton group, Cody’s Toesies. She says that “our [their] only goal was to beat Welton at all costs, no matter what,” and that “they always cheat. All the time. At everything.”  Junior Avi Hammer, also of the Flacksletes, says that Cody’s Toesies were sore losers and some of their team even made sorry attempts at trash talking and psyching out the real winners. Ahem ahem…Judah Schuster and Roman Katz, that sound familiar?

United in the goal to oust the reigning champion, the Flacksletes defeated Cody’s Toesies. Image by Annie Fingersh.

Both Margsters Inc. and Benton Box, the mediocre teams, tied for 3rd place and beat R. Gina’s Margarita, who came in dead last, not unlike every other year of mentoring olympics. Margsters Inc., ever the deflectors, blame everyone and everything for their loss, including Margo himself. Taylor Brand, a sophomore from Margsters Inc., blames her sprained ankle and crutches as the source of the loss. Ellie Glickman says that they were dominating in the beginning, especially in cup stacking, which she “carried” as a former fourth grade cup stacking champion. However, she and junior Illy Hammer blame Margo for their embarrassing failure, crediting it to some bad advice he gave them in the last game. Just piling on, Glickman says that since Margo has a baby now, they’re not even number one in his heart anymore.

Benton Box, still brokenhearted from the seizing of Boaz Shneor, tied for 3rd place this year, blaming Cody Welton for their loss. They claim that he sabotaged their cardboard race and kept making them restart, to “get rid of the best team, because we [Benton] were the only real competition they had,” says Benton Box senior, Shir-el Rudnick. However, Benton Box pulled out of last place in the final game due to the brute strength of senior Gilli Gerson who carried them (literally – he carried the entire group across the room).

R. Gina’s Margarita (are they even a real mentoring group?), which have not won a mentoring olympics since the glory days of Josh Kreisler, failed once again this year. Ethan Sosland, a Junior for R. Gina’s Margarita, blames their “overall un-athleticism and terrible communication” for their loss.

Though there won’t be another battle until spring, until then, rivalries will be fierce as ever as discussions on the profile of a graduate and arguments about dress code ensue. The tensions will remain high this year as preparation for the next mentoring olympics begins, so until then, happy feuding. And watch out – because Benton Box has already started training…