Slider image by Austin Klinock.

Sept. 12, 2018, 11:56 AM: A date which will not soon be forgotten. On this day, an invasion attempt was made by the Arachnid Alliance against the Hyman Brand Hebrew Academy (HBHA). The Alliance targeted the representatives of United Mentoring (UM), who were convened at a summit in the capital city of HBHA: The Beit Midrash.

The room quickly burst into panic. Chairs fell and books flew until a courageous young woman named Nina Baran stepped in and, subsequently, stepped on, the spider. The crisis had been put to rest, though unbeknownst to Baran, her actions would reveal a dark secret that had been hidden away for a quite a long time.

There are two cardinal rules that are respected by all members of the United Mentoring:

1. Never stay a second past 12:10
   1. (…unless of course lunch is to be extended to compensate)
2. There are assigned seats
   1. (Any intrusion into the area of another mentoring group is to be seen as an act of aggression.)

Baran may have thwarted an Arachnid invasion, but by doing so she has brought about much tension between her group, One Jew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, and Wells Margo. Addison Brand, an HBHA junior and a board member at Wells Margo, had this to say about the matter:

“I don’t really know how I feel about that.”

Brand then attempted to make a hasty departure, though after a brief scuffle and a shot of Sodium Pentothal, he added that: “There is some tension now. She took the spider’s life, and I don’t think that was her decision to make because it was in our mentoring group’s space. We sit in our different mentoring groups for a reason. We each have territory in the room, and I think people should know the boundaries and respect them.”

It is hard to tell how Wells Margo as a whole is reacting to the situation, for they were too busy analyzing the possible practical applications and financial benefits of something called “A Modest Proposal” to give a statement to the press. However, before passing out from the persuasive nature of the interview, Brand did add that HBHA suffers from a lack of initiative in its leadership, specifically Todd Clauer.

Clauer, the Presiding Officer over the UM, has been accused of neglecting to take action during the events of Arachnid Invasion. Being a neutral party, it was his responsibility to quell the incursion, but he did no such thing. As a result, rumors of a rebellion have begun to spread through the halls of HBHA.

Upon being queried as to these rumors, Zohar Flacks, leader of the Cuckoo’s Nest, responded with a firm, “אל תדברי שטויות,” which has been interpreted by the Rampage Department of Translation and Fabrication to mean, “Go to the Marina, there you will find your answer.”

“R. Gina’s Marina” has been known to be the site of lucrative activity for some time now. They have got their hands in all types of crime, everything from money laundering to private shoulder shows. For years they have kept a low profile, having no social media presence whatsoever. According to an anonymous source claiming to have some affiliation with the group, they have secretly been planning a coup against Clauer for the past decade. They would then brake away and form their own society, with Gina Renee as their ruler.

Gina’s Marina has also gained the support of other mentoring groups in their quest for freedom, namely that of of Austin Benton: The Bring Back Boaz Initiative. They believe that by seceding from the union, they will have more time to focus on discovering the whereabouts of Boaz Shneor. What they plan to do with this information remains to be seen.

One group, however, has already broken away in order to live out on their own: The Baby Beards. Being the most feared mentoring group of them all, The Baby Beards have traveled to rural Pennsylvania to live on a comunal goat farm. They have developed a caste system, with one’s esteem based purely on the length of their beard. Cody Welton, having the longest beard of the bunch, has declared himself ruler over the small community, who worship him as their god-king. Everyone below the Great and Powerful Welton and his exceptional facial hair are referred to as “smooth-chins,” and they serve as bound laborers due to their follicle inferiority. As Gina Renee put it: “That nest is full of GMO worms.”

So what is to become of HBHA’s mentoring groups? Will order be restored, or will a bloody civil war ensue? Only time will tell.