Slider illustrated by Anna Clauer

“Beep beep.. 7324, new object….. Near Earth’s atmosphere…Over”

“Yo Roger…… What do you see?…. Over.”

“…..Unidentified object. Gonna name it……J3W…… Hold up. Now identified. Over. ”

“Waiting for signal…. What is it, dude?”

“It’s…. A giant laser…..?”(BOOM) 

The conversation above is a direct transcript from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) upon their discovery of multiple Jewish laser devices in space, certainly a gigantic leap for mankind. Unfortunately, Roger, NASA’s atmospheric engineer, was blown up shortly after the sighting. 

NASA declined to comment. 

It’s always been a known fact that Jews control the media, banks, and politics, but we’re really compromised now that everyone figured out we’ve been controlling the universe this whole time. 

It’s exhausting, truly, to have this much power. 

To be completely blunt, our lasers shoot from satellites that somewhat resemble mini-Death Stars. The contraptions have been around for centuries and even align with the creation of Egyptian pyramids. Moses splitting the sea was actually just a test-run for the third and a half ever laser (wow)! It’s surprising that Galileo never identified the objects as threats, or even notable– you’d think that beams shooting straight at earth would be more interesting than galaxies and black holes. 

But before you get any ideas, no, there isn’t any way to disable the lasers based on continually shooting in one place as seen in the Star Wars saga. Though the lasers don’t shoot on the holy Sabbath, we still have specially trained and selected Shabbos-goys to help us out. To apply, you can go to www.spacelasershabb0sg0y.gov/5318008

The lasers themselves are multifaceted and can burst more than just deadly light beams– two times we’ve successfully managed to send plagues and viruses down to Earth (see Coronavirus and Black Plague).

The modern technological advances of our beloved lasers are thanks to the committed work of JLo, the Jewish Laser Organization. Their mission statement is as follows: To prepare the lizard people for fulfilling lives as Jews and as honorable, contributing citizens who run the world. 

Let’s talk details. No laser can function on its own– committees are vital components to ensure it works. There’s three main committees, each unique and necessary: 

Weather Committee. We already know that Jews control the weather, so this shouldn’t come as a shock. This committee works tirelessly to track and, if necessary, change rain and wind patterns to ensure that the lasers’ blasts aren’t warped in the wrong direction. The group’s dedication and talent would blow you away. 

Engineering Committee. Our dedicated JLo engineers have been the basis of the organization as they continually create new technology to generate even thicker and longer blats. Fun fact- our engineers first created the lasers out of charoset and matzah. 

Laser Colors Committee. Undoubtedly the most important of them all, this committee comprises of scientists who formulate appealing colors for the lasers, especially depending on their molecular compound.

Jean Bratt, a member of the Laser Colors Committee since birth, expresses her pride in taking part in something so big. Bratt is a “legacy–” for generations her family has been involved in the committee. Bratt describes that Jews are assigned their committee at birth, which can be seen both in birth certificates, passports, and projected on to the front of their houses. “We’re all included in all of it,” she reveals, throwing the entire Global Jewish Population™ under the bus. 

“It’s all about the visual,” she continues, saying that her job is to “create colors that will bring the greatest attention to the lasers.” Her favorite color to blast is “sky blue” with different gradients. Bratt will have to go into hiding because of this interview. 

In Hebrew, letters have corresponding numbers which add up to certain values. This is called the Gematria. “Laser” in Hebrew is לֵיְזֶר, with the letters corresponding to the numbers 30 + 10 + 7 + 200, totalling 247. This number is distinctly divisible by 13 and 19, a shocking discovery. 13 is one of the most significant numbers in Judaism, connecting with the age that Bar and Bat-Mitzvahs occur. Incidentally, the word “Jew” in Hebrew is יהֻד. Through this spelling, the gematria is 10 + 5 + 4 = 19. Where have we seen this number before? Oh right, it is one of the numbers that can be divided from “laser.” From here, it’s indisputable that Jews and Bar/Bat Mitzvah’s = lasers. And an even more eminent deduction is that Bar and Bat Mitzvah music from the dance floor must be what generates power for the lasers to function.

This meticulous mathematical genius is no doubt the basis of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s findings, as she was the first to truly applaud and recognize the lasers as an international force. She was even brilliant enough to connect the “lasers or blue beams of light” with “the fires in CA.” Though she failed to cite any factual evidence, she was correct in guessing that indeed it was the Jews who just went a little too trigger happy when testing the new fire lasers. 

JLo recently sent out an email to address the rumors of the lasers: 

“On behalf of JLo, we want to thank Marjorie Taylor Greene for her continued work on bringing truth and veneration to the efforts of Jews across the universe. We extend a warm, and slightly sweaty hand to her for being among the first to take our work seriously and to truly bring awareness to the fear that we force others to live in every day. It has taken billions of dollars, mainly from the pockets of middle-class families, to hone in on our unique talents of causing panic and disarray, but with even more recognition, we can now finally start on our Big Project: to rebuild the third Beit HaMikdash. 

Since the Golah- the diaspora of Jews from their homeland- there have been attempts to rescue Jews still wandering in the desert, yet little heed has been paid to our Jewish brethren who were exiled to other galaxies. Though we have always focused on making Earth unpleasant, it’s also time that we turn our attention to those really in need. We are excited to announce that we are starting a pen-pal program with Jews from the Andromeda Galaxy, Whirlpool Galaxy, and Butterfly Galaxies, to name a few. This partnership will help identify wandering Jews, while also working as a communication device to share diabolical plans.”

With this news surfacing, it’s led Jews from around the world to ask: “It actually took you guys this long? I mean seriously… we’ve been around for centuries. We’d been sending hints for years. The whole sneaking around thing got boring a looooong time ago.” Clearly, the Jewish population is puzzled–“No really. Not even sending a second moon was suspicious….?…. Sorry what….? That hasn’t happened yet….?”
For now, there will probably just be a spike in antisemitism, as usual. But tune in next time for: What conspiracy about Jews are we gonna start today!?