“Super Smash Bros” Players Smash any Sense of Security at HBHA


Many Smash Bros Players use Joy-Con Switch controllers to decimate their enemies. Photo by Tali Gortenburg.

Tali Gortenburg, Co-Editor-in-Chief

I would like to begin by apologizing for my failures. Initially, I had set out on a mission to find out who the best character is in “Super Smash Bros” in order to help those who have never played the game before choose a good character so they will not be humiliated and physically and emotionally destroyed by those who play the game religiously. Instead, I descended into a wild-goose chase during which I encountered several passionate and verbally aggressive players who did not succeed in providing me with a definite answer, but instead succeeded in scaring me away and convincing me to stay at least 20 feet away from them at all times.


But nevertheless, I will share with you my findings:


I first must share that going into this quest, I was utterly terrified. I had heard rumors about “Smash Bros” Players and their hostility towards their opponents and the burning passion with which they obliterate them, but still I advanced onwards. After all, if I was to give any hope at all to those beginners who have never played, I must dive straight into the mouth of the volcano.

A student celebrates after defeating her fellow student in Super Smash Bros and making her cry. Photo by Tali Gortenburg.

I first decided to talk to sophomore Noah Bergh because he was someone I knew and therefore I presumed that my chances of walking out emotionally unscathed from our conversation would be increased.


I could not have been more wrong.


With passion and confidence, he claimed that Ness is the best character because he is extremely annoying. When he told me this, I felt personally attacked, as if he had a desire to annoy me personally by repeatedly setting me on fire (the reason Bergh gave for why Ness is annoying), and he then proceed to vanquish me. 


Bergh said, “it’s very easy to troll with his side b and it’s very annoying to play against.” “Side b” refers to the attack that occurs when the player presses “b” and moves to the side simultaneously.


Feeling uncomfortable and concerned, I left my conversation with Bergh at that.


My emotions aside, I noted from this conversation that the reason Bergh gave for why Ness is the best character was because he was annoying. Yet according to my knowledge, the most annoying character and the best character are not necessarily synonymous. Therefore, having concluded that his opinion was unreliable, I decided to talk to sophomore Alex Rubin, who claimed that the best character was instead King K. Rool.


With Rubin as well, I could sense a burning passion. Yet this burning passion seemed to be somewhat concealed, and I thought perhaps I was safe.


What made King K. Rool a good character, he explains, is that his move set is “dumb” and “unpredictable.”


He describes two of these “dumb unpredictable” moves. One, where “he puffs out his stomach and then pushes everyone away,” and the other, where he can procure a very large cannon out of thin air.


Upon hearing this, I was slightly calmed. All Rubin said was that King K. Rool was good because his moves were dumb and unpredictable, and he said this in a calm voice that did not seem to be directed at me. Perhaps not all Smash Bros Players were dangerous.


But he then made a comment that caused me to retract this thought.


He said, “some people just don’t have the capacity to understand the surprise and stupidity strategies that King K Rool brings.”


I was so disturbed that I attempted to run away, but my shame was so large that my feet seemed to have frozen in place. I was terrified, but I told myself that the best thing to do now would be to attempt to continue the conversation so that Rubin could not sense my fear.

Pac-Man mercilessly kicks Samus in the face. Photo by Daniel Thomas.

When the conversation concluded after what felt like an eternity, I felt more content than I had after leaving my exchange with Bergh, although still not content enough to decide that King K. Rool was indeed the best character. After all, Rubin’s entire argument was based on the fact that King K. Rool’s moveset was stupid. How could I then, in good conscience, recommend to my readers a character that was only good because his moves were stupid?


And so I worked up the courage to ask one last person: senior Ethan Sosland.


Sosland was two years older than Bergh and Rubin, and it felt as if he was the final boss in an intense battle. But nevertheless, for the sake of my readers I persisted.


Before Sosland had even begun to speak, I could sense that he had an intense passion behind his opinion, a passion so strong that it threatened to decimate me if I even thought about arguing with him. Immediately he began by mentioning that, without a doubt, Kirby was the best character.


He then began to describe, in great detail, what he believed was Kirby’s greatest attack.


To execute this attack, one must first get to a place above the victim’s head. Then, when in position, one would become a rock (one of Kirby’s abilities) and fall down on the victim. This, Sosland explains, “does a ton of damage,” although he admits that this attack only works under the presumption that the victim does not know how to use their shield.


Again, I was overcome with a fear that perhaps Sosland would execute this attack upon me as I had been scared with Bergh. Notwithstanding that I knew better, this time I ran away, and I felt as if I was running for my life.


I had heard many rumors of “Smash Bros” Players’ hostility, but I had no idea it was this bad. With every Player to whom I talked, I felt as if they desired to utterly and completely demolish me in a game of “Super Smash Bros.” This was not a good feeling and it left me terrified.


And so in conclusion, the question of the best character remains unresolved, for each person I talked to had a different opinion and were unwilling to admit that their character was not the best. Without any agreement, I feel that I cannot render a verdict.


But even if I cannot render a verdict, I will offer some advice: “Smash Bros” Players are not to be messed with, and they should be avoided whenever possible for safety concerns.